PILOT Written By Christopher Moynihan NETWORK 3rd DRAFT December 20, 2010 MAN UP! ACT ONE BLACKNESS. THE SOUNDS OF WAR. MEN'S VOICES. DRAMATIC MUSIC. VOICE (O.S.) Rogue719, we've got three bogeys in an SUV North of the parking structure. I need an RPG, asap! Copy? INT. "VIDEO GAME" - NIGHT (NOTE: We see the following from the TELEVISION'S P.O.V. All of our characters look directly into camera and communicate through BLUETOOTH HEADSETS like a conference call.) We see WILL KEEN (The Leader, 30's, husband, father. An EVERYMAN balancing family, work and making time for himself) sitting in front of his TV in a nicely furnished home. He holds a PLAYSTATION 3 CONTROLLER and wears a HEADSET. WILL Rogue719, do you copy? VOICE (O.S.) You like frag grenades, you little bitch? I'll give you frag grenades! WILL Kenny, focus! INTERCUT WITH -- KENNY HAYDEN (The Joker, 30's, sarcastic, immature, slight geek who doesn't know it) His apartment is barely furnished, but littered with TOYS. KENNY Sorry! This French kid keeps calling me names. Parle-vous Asshole? WILL Craig, where are you? INTERCUT WITH -- CRAIG GRIFFITH (The Poet, 30's, sensitive, heart on his sleeve, falls in love at the drop of a hat) sits in a neat/dull apartment. CRAIG These guys keep sniping me and it respawns me back at the fountain. WILL Guys! It's cooler if you respond with Roger, Copy or Over! Got it? CRAIG/KENNY Fine. /Whatever. 2. WILL (Rolls his eyes) All right. I'm gonna grab their flag and run it. KENNY Craig, how do you say "Your mother" in french? CRAIG Votre Mere. KENNY (Screaming) Votre Mere, you little baguette! WILL I got their flag! Kenny, go get the Sniper Rifle and cover me from the East side of the Munitions factory. If these guys light me up, you get in here and grab this flag. Craig, protect our base! I'm running! The MUSIC swells on the game as Will plays intently, he is CHEERED ON by Kenny and Craig. Suddenly, the guys all celebrate. Will has successfully captured the flag. WILL (CONT'D) (Yelling) Yeah! Who's the man?! KENNY You're the man! CRAIG You are definitely the man. WILL I'm the MAN!! I'M THE MAN!! WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Will! The kids are sleeping! Will immediately winces. WILL Sorry, honey. (Whispering cheer) I'm the man! SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES 3. INT. THE GAME - MOMENTS LATER The guys have calmed down. They still play, but it's casual. WILL Alright, boys. That was one victory. Let's not get cocky. KENNY How'd you get Theresa to let you play tonight? WILL I gave her no choice. INT. WILL'S BEDROOM - EARLIER Will's wife Theresa folds clothes. Will comes up and rubs her shoulders. WILL You wanna have sex tonight? INT. THE GAME - CONTINUOUS WILL Getting game time is easy. It's Nathan's birthday gift that's hard. KENNY You're still on that, huh? WILL It's important. He's turning thirteen. My son's becoming a man. I need to find a gift that says 'I'm no longer a child'. KENNY Then get him a hooker. Or a shotgun. WILL Actually, those both sound like really awesome birthday gifts. CRAIG Get him a journal. WILL A journal? CRAIG Yeah. Thirteen can be a very confusing age. (MORE) 4. CRAIG (CONT'D) A journal's a good place to put all your thoughts. You know? Hopes and dreams. Poetry. KENNY You know, another good place to put all those things is in your vagina. CRAIG Forget it. Craig is silent. WILL Craig, what's going on? Something's bothering you. You've been sulking all night. I'm watching you stab people, shoot people, blow up cars and the joy's just not there. What gives? CRAIG I don't want to talk about it. Kenny and Will wait a beat. Then: CRAIG (CONT'D) I saw Lisa tonight. Kenny rolls his eyes. Will nods a'la: "That's about right." INT. COFFEE SHOP - EARLIER THAT NIGHT Craig sits across from LISA DOWNY, his ex-girlfriend. LISA I'm getting married this Saturday. And I don't know, I just...felt like I had to see you again. You know? I was thinking about how in sophomore year you would come to my dorm room with your guitar and sing "Brown- Eyed Girl". Do you remember that? Craig nods, hopelessly in love. INT. THE GAME - CONTINUOUS CRAIG What do you think? Do you think it might have been a cry for help? 5. WILL No, Craig. She's just nervous about getting married. That's all. KENNY You haven't seen that nut in a year. CRAIG Don't call her a nut, Kenny. I love her. KENNY I'm sorry. She's a nut! Trust me. I know about nutty girls. I married one. And the best thing that ever happened to me was getting divorced. You should avoid it all together. WILL Speaking of which. There's something I have to tell you, Kenny. KENNY What? WILL Bridgette's gonna be at Nathan's birthday party on Saturday. Kenny is pissed. He picks up his CELL PHONE and dials. The HOME PHONE in Will's house rings. KENNY Tell my sister to pick up the phone! WILL (Yelling) Theresa! Pick up the phone. THERESA (O.S.) Who is it? WILL It's Kenny! THERESA Did you tell him that Bridgette's coming to the party? WILL Yes. THERESA Tell him I'm a sleep. 6. KENNY Tell her I can hear her. Craig starts sadly singing "Brown-Eyed Girl". CRAIG "Sha-la-la-la --" WILL She's not gonna pick up the phone. KENNY Fine. I'll call her cell. CRAIG I'm gonna call Lisa. Craig and Kenny both get up to make CALLS. WILL Guys! Guys!! You're supposed to be covering me! Oh, come on! We hear the sounds of Will BEING SLAUGHTERED. INT. WILL'S HOUSE - THE NEXT MORNING Will pours a CUP OF COFFEE as his wife THERESA HAYDEN KEEN (30's playful, supermom/wife) sorts through the MAIL in the kitchen. Her LAPTOP is open on the counter. Lucy eats a BOWL OF CEREAL and plays with a MERMAID DOLL. Theresa holds up a PACKAGE to Will. THERESA Can you open this for me? WILL This is a job for... Will takes out a SMALL POCKET KNIFE. Lucy GIGGLES. LUCY The Old Mohaska! Will smiles as he cuts the package open. THERESA Where is Nathan? LUCY He's trapped in the bathroom because he saw a spider. Will opens the package, it's a VIDEO GAME. 7. WILL Dead Space 2! Awesome! Thanks, Hon. THERESA (Laughing) It's not for you. It's a birthday present for Nathan. WILL Okay, see? This is a great gift. It's violent, it's scary, it's not for kids. This would have been a great gift for me to give him. THERESA So, we'll put both of our names on it. I don't care. WILL Theresa, you don't understand. I'm his father. I've got to give him something that will prepare him for manhood. THERESA You're over-thinking this. Will looks into the fridge. WILL We need more Hazelnut creamer. And next time get the non-dairy stuff. THERESA Did your father give you something special when you turned 13? Is that what this is about? WILL Are you kidding me? My father didn't even know it was my birthday! He didn't get off the couch. He didn't even put on pants. Theresa giggles. WILL (CONT'D) I've got to give Nathan something that signifies his entry into manhood. I don't expect you to understand it. You're a woman. I'm a man. THERESA Oh, please, Will. (MORE) 8. THERESA (CONT'D) Your grandfather fought in World War Two. Your father fought in Vietnam. You play Call of Duty on Playstation 3 and drink non-dairy Hazelnut creamer. WILL Are you saying I'm not a man? THERESA I'm saying that the whole "real man" thing died out a generation ago. WILL Is this about my pomegranate body wash? Theresa giggles. THERESA It's not a bad thing! It's a good thing. You're evolved. You're socialized. You're sensitive. She kisses him and sits at her COMPUTER. THERESA (CONT'D) It's why I married you. WILL Let me tell you something. You really don't know me. Because I protect you from the violent, primal beast that lurks deep within. THERESA You mean the primal beast that cries during Grey's Anatomy? WILL That's the one! Izzie was very brave battling that cancer. NATHAN KEEN (13, dorky) enters holding the CORDLESS PHONE. NATHAN Dad! Samantha just called and said she is coming to my party tomorrow. This girl is a firecracker. What do I do? WILL Try to get her in the bounce house. 9. THERESA (Appalled) Will!! WILL It wasn't a euphemism, T. I was being literal. THERESA (Embarrassed) Oh. WILL A bounce house is like a twelve year- old's bachelor pad. She'll be putty in your hands. NATHAN Got it! Theresa sees something on the COMPUTER that jars her. THERESA Nathan! Did you just defriend me on Facebook? NATHAN Well, you update your status too much and it's embarrassing. THERESA No, it's not. NATHAN "Nathan's turning thirteen. Mommy's little baby boy all growed up! Waaah!" THERESA That's not embarrassing. It's sweet. NATHAN Dad? WILL It's very embarrassing, T. Theresa crosses to her son, holds his face in her hands. THERESA Well, I'm sorry that I love you. It makes me sad that you're growing up. (Kisses him) Now, go refriend me or you're grounded. 10. Nathan sighs. LUCY Nathan, daddy is gonna get you a special birthday gift. NATHAN Really, Dad? WILL You bet. You're becoming a man. A real man! Just like your Dad. Will and Nathan do a CHOREOGRAPHED HANDSHAKE: A series of fist bumps that ends with them about to take a drag on an imaginary JOINT, but they simultaneously think better of it. NATHAN What is it, Dad? Give me a hint. WILL Nope. It's a surprise. Nobody knows what it is. I mean, literally, nobody in this room knows what it is. Kenny bursts in through the BACK DOOR. KENNY (To Theresa) You turn your phone off now? THERESA I do when you're acting like an idiot. KENNY She can't come, T. We're divorced! THERESA She's Nathan's Godmother! KENNY I'm his Godfather. That's a higher rank. THERESA Look, I realize that you guys couldn't work it out, but I've decided that for the sake of the kids you're gonna have to deal with each other like adults. She's my best friend. KENNY Well, I'm your brother. I'm putting my foot down. You hear me? (MORE) 11. KENNY (CONT'D) She is not welcome in this house. Bridgette is no longer a part of this family. FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Hello! LUCY Aunt Bridgette! Lucy gets up and runs to hug BRIDGETTE HAYDEN (30's, pretty, lots of energy) entering the kitchen. Kenny is frustrated. BRIDGETTE Hi, everybody. And Kenny. KENNY Bridge, we're gonna have to set some boundaries. Alright? I'm sorry, but you can't come to Nathan's party. BRIDGETTE Theresa invited me. KENNY Well, I'm uninviting you. BRIDGETTE It doesn't work like that. KENNY Oh, it doesn't?! Well, I'm the Godfather! How about that? Will rises and grabs Kenny's arm. WILL Okay. Time out! Kenny, come with me. KENNY This is why we're divorced. You always have to push my buttons! BRIDGETTE We're divorced because you sold my Kitchen Aid mixer so you could buy a twelve-inch Boba Fett on Ebay! KENNY It's a collector's item! Will drags Kenny out the door. Bridgette and Theresa hug. 12. BRIDGETTE Is this gonna be a problem, T? I don't want to cause trouble. THERESA Oh, yeah. Cause you never want to cause trouble. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Kenny and Will huddle together. KENNY I swear she's just doing this to get a rise out of me. WILL Well, it's working. You freak out, she wins. You gotta play it cool. Think of the coolest guy you can think of and act like him. Now, who's the coolest guy in the world? KENNY Tobey Maguire. WILL (Puzzled) Uh...Okay. Sure. Tobey Maguire. Fine. Ask yourself, "What would Tobey Maguire do?" A calmness falls over Kenny. He looks serene and confident. KENNY Right. W.W.T.M.D. Got it. INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Will and Kenny reenter the kitchen. Kenny is cool. KENNY You know what? It's totally cool. You can come to the party. A calm beat as Bridgette and Kenny LOCK EYES for a moment. BRIDGETTE Just so you know I'm bringing a date. Theresa sighs. Kenny is no longer Tobey Maguire. KENNY NO! That's it! Absolutely not! 13. BRIDGETTE I'm an adult, Kenny. KENNY Nathan! Do you want Aunt Bridgette to bring a date to your party? NATHAN Will he bring me a gift? BRIDGETTE Of course he will. NATHAN He can come. Kenny steams. Nathan grabs his knapsack and exits. NATHAN (CONT'D) This is gonna be the best party ever. KENNY Tobey Maguire wouldn't put up with this crap! Kenny storms out. Bridgette follows him and they argue. WILL (Sarcastically) Yeah, this is gonna be the best party ever. He kisses his wife and exits. END OF ACT ONE 14. ACT TWO INT. FOUNDATION INSURANCE COMPANY - WILL'S OFFICE - LATER A boring office of a major Insurance company. Will sits at his desk in his modest office talking on a HEADSET. He opens and closes his "OLD MOHASKA" as he talks. It's a habit. WILL Okay. I have two questions for you. One: how much is the Springster B- 2800? And two: do you think a trampoline is an appropriate gift for a adolescent boy's transition into manhood -- Behind Will, Kenny enters carrying a giant DUFFEL BAG with the name FLAXODRYL on the side. He wears a NAME TAG. WILL (CONT'D) (Loudly) -- Well, Mr. Conroy I think that blanket policy should just about cover all your properties as well as liquid -- (Sees that it's Kenny) Oh. It's you. Thought you were my boss. What are you doing here? KENNY Lunch. WILL It's ten forty-five. KENNY I finished my route early. WILL You're done for the day? KENNY A good drug rep doesn't linger. And normally it takes longer, but this product, Flaxodryl, isn't a big hit. WILL What does it do? KENNY Flaxodryl provides relief for bacterial infections of the skin and soft tissue, such as infected ulcers, wounds or burns, abscesses, impetigo, and boils. You want the side effects? 15. WILL Not unless you're gonna tell me about panic attacks and loose stool. Craig enters, hangdog. WILL/KENNY Blitzcraig! CRAIG Lisa didn't call me back last night. WILL I'm guessing you called her six times? CRAIG No. Only four. WILL Four. Of course. Wouldn't want to freak her out. CRAIG Now, I have a headache. Kenny digs through his bag, tosses a DRUG SAMPLE to Craig. KENNY Here. Take this. CRAIG What is it? KENNY Just take it. It'll get rid of your headache. Craig shrugs and pops the pill. KENNY (CONT'D) You might get a boner for a few hours. CRAIG What?! WILL Hey. You know what Theresa said to me today? That I'm not a real man. VOICE (O.S.) You're not! A VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL enters. This is DANA STAATS (27, super hot, alpha female). 16. DANA You're a whole generation of pussies. KENNY Hey, Dana. I'm sorry, they don't allow skanks in this building. DANA Stick it, Kenny. (To Will) How's your morning, Will? Mine? I sold four policies before 10am. Two life, one home and a boat. I can't wait until the sales meeting when I show Ross how badly I trounced you this quarter. WILL This quarter ain't over yet, Staats. DANA Yeah, but your so preoccupied with getting your son a "special" birthday gift that you can't keep your eye on the prize. WILL How do you know that? DANA Your wife just updated her Facebook status. WILL You get my wife's status updates? DANA Most of the people in the office do. WILL Since when? DANA Since the company picnic. They all think she's a "hoot". I just read them cause it keeps me informed on what you're up to. Know your enemy. Dana's PHONE BUZZES. DANA (CONT'D) (Reading her phone) That's her. Apparently, Kenny's wife is bringing a date to Nathan's party? 17. WILL She's in a Yoga class! How the hell can she be updating her status? INT. YOGA STUDIO - CONTINUOUS Twenty people sit in front of a teacher, mid-class. Theresa is in an impossible yoga position while TYPING ON THE PHONE. INT. WILL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS DANA So. Your kid's becoming a man? Get him a hooker. KENNY How much do you charge? DANA Don't lash out at me just because your wife is banging another guy. Cheer up. You'll find another beard. Toodles, Bitches. She turns and Exits. KENNY The only beard around here is yours! (Softly) God, she's so pretty. After a beat, Will jumps up excitedly. WILL That's it! I got it! The perfect gift. I gotta run. KENNY I thought we were grabbing lunch. WILL I can't. I'll catch you guys later. Will exits. Kenny and Craig sit quietly for a beat. CRAIG Pill kicked in. KENNY Headache's gone? CRAIG No. The other. 18. KENNY Oh. I'm gonna go. CRAIG I thought we were having lunch. KENNY Yeah, I can't be alone with you...and that. Sorry. Kenny exits. Craig looks uncomfortable. EXT. WILL'S BACK YARD - THE NEXT AFTERNOON Nathan's party is underway. Kids run around and jump in and out of a BOUNCE HOUSE. Parents mingle and chat. Will and Theresa carry food from THE GRILL to the PATIO. THERESA Tell me! WILL Nope. It's a surprise. THERESA Well, give me a hint. WILL All right. It's a hooker. THERESA Will! WILL Let's just say it's the perfect gift for a boy crossing over into manhood. It's useful, it's exciting and he's gonna think it's very cool. THERESA It actually sounds like it could be a hooker. They laugh as they arrive at the PATIO where Craig stands across from Kenny and Bridgette, who is enthralled. CRAIG Then she started reminiscing about how I used to sing "Brown-Eyed Girl" in her dorm room sophomore year. BRIDGETTE Oh, my god. I love that song. 19. THERESA Craig, are you still on this? KENNY He's gonna be "on this" for a while. CRAIG She's getting married today and I think that secretly she doesn't really want to do it. That's why she needed to see me. Now, do you think I should do something? THERESA No, Craig, I told you. She's just feeling nostalgic. That's all. BRIDGETTE (Sincere) Oh, I totally disagree. She wants you to come after her. CRAIG You think? A collective, ad-libbed "No!" from Will, Kenny and Theresa. BRIDGETTE Totally! Craig, this girl is your soulmate. You can't let her get away. Once you realize someone is your soulmate, it's forever. KENNY You said I was your soulmate. BRIDGETTE No, my soulmate is gonna be here any minute and he's bringing Lemon Bars. KENNY Oh, so this guy's your soulmate now? Bridgette's PHONE BUZZES and she walks off. KENNY (CONT'D) Okay, I can't promise that this sweet little birthday party isn't gonna turn into an all out bloodbath! WILL Hey! W.W.T.M.D! Play it cool. He can't affect you! You're in charge. 20. KENNY Right. I'm in charge. WILL Besides, when this guy shows up I guarantee he's a full blown loser! Bridgette enters the yard with GRANT (30's tall, fit and very attractive.) Will sees him. WILL (CONT'D) Or he could be an underwear model. They approach the group with an armload of gifts. GRANT Folks, thanks for having me. Bridge has told me so much about all of you guys. You must be Theresa. He kisses Theresa and hands her LEMON BARS and WINE. THERESA Grant, you shouldn't have. GRANT Momma raised a gentleman. (To Will) You must be Will. Man of the house. He shakes his hand and hands him a BOX OF CIGARS. GRANT (CONT'D) Cohibas. Illegal. You didn't get them from me. Grant cracks up. He greets Craig and tousles Lucy's hair. His eyes land on Kenny and he pauses. GRANT (CONT'D) You must be Ken. There's no need for this to be awkward for us. I want you to know I respect you and everything you had with Bridge. You guys are connected. I get that. If we need to clear the air, hash out what needs hashing, I say let's do it and then grow to be close friends. He extends his hand. Kenny reluctantly shakes it. KENNY Whatever. 21. GRANT Sweet. Now, where's the birthday boy? Grant turns to Nathan and hands him a NICELY WRAPPED GIFT. NATHAN Wow, thanks. Can I open it, Mom? THERESA Okay. But just this one. Nathan tears into the gift. GRANT Thirteen is an important age. I remember Dad gave me this very gift when I hit that poignant milestone. Becoming a teenager. That cross over in to manhood. Nathan reveals the gift. His face lights up. NATHAN A shaving kit! That's awesome. GRANT (Laughing) You're gonna need it, soldier. Will's face is frozen in a HORRIFIC SMILE. It's obvious what his secret gift is. INT. CRAIG'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER Craig drives, and looks very intense. Will is shotgun, on his CELLPHONE. Kenny in the back. WILL A shaving kit. What are the odds?! THERESA (O.S.) When are you coming back? KENNY He calls her Bridge already? WILL Theresa, I have to get him something! Who gives a gift like that to a kid he's never met? KENNY A touchy-feely jerkoff. That's who! I can't believe I shook his hand! 22. INTERCUT WITH -- INT. WILL'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The party is still going. Theresa is in the kitchen. THERESA Well, Will, people have to leave at five-thirty. I'm cutting this cake at five o'clock. You'd better be here. You've got forty-two minutes. WILL Okay. I'll be there. Theresa hangs up. Bridgette sips a beer and watches Grant as he chats up THREE MOTHERS in the kitchen. GRANT Pilates changed my life. I sleep better, I have more energy at the office. (Side of his mouth) And in the bedroom. The Ladies chuckle. GRANT (CONT'D) I'm kidding. (Side mouth) Or am I? They chuckle again. Bridgette approaches Theresa. BRIDGETTE Where's Kenny? THERESA With Will getting Nathan a gift. Why? BRIDGETTE Oh, well, Grant's gonna do some magic tricks and...Kenny likes magic, so... THERESA Oh, yeah. That's why you're looking for Kenny. You're ridiculous. BRIDGETTE What? What am I doing? 23. THERESA Bridge, I've known you since ninth grade. And even then you and my brother were playing these stupid games. Give me a break. BRIDGETTE Theresa, what Kenny and I had is over. Grant is a part of my life now. This isn't about making Kenny jealous. This is about moving on. THERESA Grant's Salsa Dancing with Tucker's mom. Bridgette looks over at Grant SALSA DANCING with a MOTHER. BRIDGETTE (Looks at her watch) Dammit, where is he? Theresa shakes her head. INT. CRAIG'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER They drive. Will is in action. WILL Okay, we'll hit Best Buy. Kenny, I want you in DVD's. Look for classics. Anything that speaks to a child's transition to manhood. Nothing with Brendan Fraser. Craig and I will look at music and gadgets. Craig PULLS THE CAR OVER and starts crying. WILL (CONT'D) Craig, what's the matter? CRAIG I can't take it. I need closure. WILL You need what? CRAIG Closure. I need closure! KENNY You need to closure vagina. 24. CRAIG I need to see if she's really doing it. WILL What are you talking about? Will looks around and sees that they are in front of a CHURCH. WILL (CONT'D) Craig, is this Lisa's church? CRAIG I just need to see her. If I see her doing it, actually getting married, then maybe it will be over for me and I'll have closure. WILL Craig, I've got thirty-seven minutes to find a gift. If I'm not back there, Theresa will kill me. CRAIG It'll take two minutes. I just need to see her. Will stares at Craig for a beat. He softens. WILL Fine. You go in there, you see her, get your...closure and we go. Craig nods, wipes his eyes and gets out of the car. After a beat he opens the trunk and removes a GUITAR. WILL (CONT'D) Jesus! He's got his guitar! Will and Kenny go to jump out of the car. The doors are locked. They struggle for a beat. KENNY Why won't they open? WILL He hit the child locks! Driver's door. They both pile out the DRIVER'S DOOR. INT. CHURCH - CONTINUOUS A packed house. A beautiful ceremony. LISA AND HER GROOM stand side by side. 25. The preacher is giving a beautiful sermon. The moment is interrupted by A GUITAR BEING STRUMMED. CRAIG (Singing Loudly) "Hey, where did we go? Days when the rains came." The entire congregation turns in their seats and GASPS when they see Craig, now walking confidently towards LISA. Will and Kenny watch as Craig belts out the song. The GROOMSMEN are a pack of SERIOUS LOOKING FRATBOYS. THE GROOM stares daggers at Craig. Lisa looks stunned. Craig beams. CRAIG (CONT'D) "Do you remember when we used to sing Sha-la-la-la..." He howls out the song. It's going well. Will and Kenny join in awkwardly. Lisa watches in amazement. EXT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER The CHURCH DOORS burst open and Will and Kenny drag Craig quickly down the steps as the real "Brown-Eyed Girl" plays. They race towards the car. A moment later the GROOMSMEN burst through the door and chase them. END OF ACT TWO 26. ACT THREE INT. CRAIG'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER Will drives. Craig cries, shotgun. Kenny in the back. WILL That happened! That actually just happened...for real! You actually crashed that wedding with a guitar! I'm in shock right now. Sweet lord, what the hell were you thinking?! CRAIG Bridgette said she wanted me to stop it. WILL You listen to Bridgette? I'll remind you this is a woman who married Kenny! KENNY (Singing to himself) "Sha-la-la-la --" WILL Kenny. You mind? KENNY Sorry. It's a catchy song. CRAIG I love her so much. WILL Dammit, Craig, man up! You know what? Theresa's right. We're not men anymore. Our fathers were men. KENNY I'm a man. WILL Oh, yeah? Then why is your ex-wife parading another man in front of you and you're doing nothing about it? KENNY You told me to be Tobey Maguire! WILL I'm just saying that none of our fathers would do any of this. (MORE) 27. WILL (CONT'D) Singing in churches and searching for the special birthday gifts! You know why I can't find a gift for my son? Cause I don't know what it is to be a man anymore! They were men. Real men! Not the over-evolved, half-assed generation of panty waists that we've become! We should be storming beaches, drinking whiskey and killing tigers. KENNY Tigers? WILL I'm sick of it! I'm done with it! It's time to man up! MAN UP! A long beat of silence as Will stews. He looks at his watch. WILL (CONT'D) (Softly) Theresa's gonna kill me. INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Theresa puts candles on a CAKE. Will enters quickly. WILL I'm sorry. I know. THERESA (Smiling) Well, you better have a good excuse. WILL You want a good excuse? How 'bout this? Craig crashed Lisa's wedding and started singing "Brown-Eyed Girl" at the top of his lungs. THERESA Shut up! He did not. WILL Oh, he did! Nathan and SAMANTHA (13, cute) run up with a BASEBALL HAT. NATHAN Dad, Samantha needs this tag cut off her hat. Use the Old Mohaska! (To Samantha) That's my Dad's knife. 28. Will instinctively takes out his KNIFE and cuts the tag. SAMANTHA Thanks, Mr. Keen. She runs off. NATHAN She wants me to take a picture of her in her hat. I told her the lighting was best in the bounce house. Any last minute advice? WILL Yup. Bring hand sanitizer with you into the bounce house. Those rentals are like a bacteria circus. He nods and they do their SIGNATURE HANDSHAKE. Nathan runs off. Will shakes his head. WILL (CONT'D) What chance does he have of becoming a real man when his father's only advice for trying to kiss a girl is 'bring hand sanitizer'? THERESA (Laughing) He sang Brown-Eyed-Girl? EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Kenny nurses a beer and watches Grant PLAYING BASKETBALL with a group of kids. Bridgette sidles up. BRIDGETTE You know, he played in college. KENNY Yeah, well, I played in High School! You forget? They used to call me Tempo cause of my speed. BRIDGETTE They called you Tempo cause you played bass drum in the marching band. Kenny HANDS HER HIS BEER and briskly steps onto the court. KENNY Grant! Little "One on One"? GRANT Oh, I love a friendly pick-up game. 29. The kids clear the court as Kenny and Grant square off. They both simultaneously REMOVE THEIR SHIRTS. Grant is incredibly chiseled. Kenny, not so much. He immediately puts his shirt back on. KENNY We'll go shirts and skins. That way there's no confusion about whose on what team. A gaggle of Moms notice Grant's torso and gather around. They check the ball. Kenny dribbles and stares Grant down. KENNY (CONT'D) It's Go time. He brings the ball into play. Grant immediately steals it and does an EFFORTLESS LAY UP. GRANT Two-zip! We playing to twenty-one? Kenny sighs. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Theresa is laughing hysterically. WILL T, it really wasn't funny. Craig's laying on the couch right now, crying. THERESA Oh, honey. Bless his heart. Did you find a gift for Nathan? WILL No. This day couldn't get any worse. They are interrupted by someone blasting a CAR HORN. EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Grant and Kenny are mid-game. The crowd cheers as Grant SLAMS the basketball and knocks Kenny to the ground. GRANT Game point! Kenny is wrecked, winded, in agony. The CAR HORN continues to blast. Kenny looks up. His eyes go wide. 30. EXT. WILL'S FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS A BIG BLACK SUV sits in front of the house. THE GROOMSMEN from Lisa's wedding, now drunk, stand on the lawn. GROOM Bring out the Brown-Eyed Girl! He smashes a BEER BOTTLE on the sidewalk. INT. WILL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Will and Kenny enter as Craig RISES OFF THE COUCH. They cross to the window and pull aside the curtain. KENNY This shit just got real. WILL All right, listen up. He rolls up his sleeves as OUR BOYS...make that MEN, huddle up by the front door. The ENTIRE BIRTHDAY PARTY gathers in the living room, wondering what's going on. THERESA Will, what's happening? WILL Not now, Honey. (To the boys) We got three on the grass, two in the SUV. Now, they're drunk so they'll fight sloppy, but they'll also fight hard. Craig stay on the porch and keep an eye on the SUV. Kenny, go through the garage, get Nathan's hockey stick, and cover my flank halfway down the driveway. VOICE (O.S.) What do I do, Will? We reveal GRANT, still shirtless, in the huddle. KENNY No! No! He's not on this team. GRANT Kenny, we must put aside our differences for the greater good. KENNY Will! 31. WILL Just stay on the porch with Craig. GRANT Don't worry. I'll do something cool. WILL No. Grant, don't do anything. Will peeks through the WINDOW. WILL (CONT'D) This is it. Craig, you good? Craig nods. WILL (CONT'D) Kenny? KENNY I'm Tobey Fucking Maguire. EXT. WILL'S FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS Will exits the house followed by Craig and Grant. The ENTIRE BIRTHDAY party is pressed against every window in the house. The women clutch children to their breast. Will steps out onto the grass. Craig and Grant stay on the porch. A tense beat of silence passes and you can actually HEAR THE WIND. A NEWSPAPER blows between Will and the Groom. WILL What's up? GROOM (Pointing at Craig) We want him. Will looks back at Craig, then back to the Groom. WILL You can't have him. Will glances to his right, looking for Kenny. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS In the clutter, Kenny scrambles to find Nathan's HOCKEY STICK. KENNY Where is it? This place is a mess. EXT. WILL'S FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS The scene is as we left it. 32. WILL You guys don't want to do this. You're drunk. You're angry. You should go home and sleep it off. Kenny emerges from the garage and walks down the DRIVEWAY. His face looks stone cold, but he carries a PINK POGO STICK with TASSELS on the handlebars. Will glances over and does a small DOUBLE TAKE. Kenny shrugs: "Best I could do." GROOM He ruined my wedding! And we're gonna kick his ass. WILL I can't let you do that. The Groom looks to his MEN. Signals them. They all start moving towards Craig on the porch. Will steps up, Kenny moves in from the DRIVEWAY. It's on. The tension is cut by a BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM. All parties turn to see it's source: Grant, still shirtless, barrels off the porch in a MAD RAGE. GRANT Barracuda! He whips past Will and TACKLES the Groom. The GROOMSMEN descend on him in a savage HOG PILE. Will and Kenny share a look. "Should we help him out?" INT. WILL'S HOUSE - LATER The party is over. The guests have gone home. Bridgette and Theresa FINISH UP THE DISHES as Will, Kenny and Craig sit around the kitchen table drinking BOTTLED BEER. WILL Dude, that was intense! KENNY Did you see me? I was about to go Jedi with that pogo stick! CRAIG Yeah, you were ready. That was sweet. WILL You know who you looked like? Conan the Barbarian. Like a short pale Conan the Barbarian. KENNY (Pleased) Thank you, Will. 33. They all CLINK their beers. Bridgette turns. BRIDGETTE I'll remind you guys that Grant is the only person who actually got into a fight tonight. KENNY No! Grant's the only person who choked tonight. He lost his cool. WILL Yeah, we stayed the course. BRIDGETTE Well, Grant's the only one who was arrested when the cops showed up because he was the only one at the bottom of that pile of groomsmen. Now, you're all slapping each other on the back and drinking a beer like you had anything to do with it! THERESA Will's drinking a diet root beer. WILL I can't have caffeine this late. KENNY I won't let you rain on this, Bridge. We were rock steady! Who the hell screams Barracuda in a fight? Will looks into the living room. Nathan is sitting on the floor with ALL HIS GIFTS. Will rises and approaches him. WILL Did you have a good birthday? NATHAN It was the best day of my life. The party, the fight. Man, when you went out there I was so scared, but you weren't. You're so tough. And guess what? I kissed Samantha in the Bounce house. Will smiles. WILL That's great. (Beat) Did you use the hand saniti- 34. NATHAN Yeah, I did. WILL Okay, good. Listen, about your birthday gift. I wanted to get you something special -- NATHAN Yeah, Mom gave it to me. I love it. Nathan holds up the video game, "DEAD SPACE 2". NATHAN (CONT'D) I know it's violent and scary, but I promise I won't get nightmares. I think I'm old enough for it now. Thanks so much, Dad. Nathan hugs Will who looks up to find Theresa watching from the stairs with a HUGE SMILE on her face. Will could cry. Nathan starts gnawing on PLASTIC on the game. Will takes out the "OLD MOHASKA" and opens it. An idea comes to him. WILL I think you're old enough for something else, too. He hands Nathan his KNIFE. Nathan's eyes go wide. NATHAN Are you serious? The Old Mohaska? WILL Yeah. Every man needs one. Nathan is beside himself. NATHAN Thanks, Dad. I love you. WILL Happy Birthday, Nate. Will kisses him and rises. He crosses to Theresa and sits beside her. Theresa types on her phone. WILL (CONT'D) What are you doing? THERESA Updating my status. 35. WILL Telling people that your husband did pretty good today, huh? THERESA No. I'm telling people that my husband thinks it's a good idea to give a thirteen year-old boy a knife. WILL Theresa, he'll be fine. Theresa shakes her head and exits. WILL (CONT'D) I should'a just gotten him a hooker. INT. "VIDEO GAME" - LATER We are back in the game. Our guys, IN THEIR RESPECTIVE HOMES, play as they did in the opening, LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA. WILL What happened when you took her home? KENNY What else happens when two consenting adults find themselves alone? WILL Knowing you two I'd say you started arguing and then you stormed out. KENNY No, William, we engaged in sexual intercourse. And for the record, sex when you're divorced is so much hotter than when you're married. WILL If it was so great than why aren't you sleeping there? KENNY Because afterwards we started arguing and I stormed out. WILL That's about right. CRAIG I just thought of something. If those guys showed up right after we did, then the actual wedding must not have happened. 36. WILL Yeah. And? CRAIG (Excited) Well, then I broke up the wedding! WILL Craig, leave it alone. CRAIG I've got to call her! Craig JUMPS UP and exits. WILL Craig! Craig! Oh, Geez. KENNY So, Nathan liked his gift, huh? WILL He loved it. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. My dad actually gave me that Old Mohaska. It wasn't a birthday gift. Some kid kept tripping me on the soccer field and my dad told me to stab him if he ever did it again. I just started using it to open letters and stuff. Yeah, it was the perfect gift. THERESA (O.S.) Will! WILL What's the matter? Theresa enters with Nathan, his hand in A BLOODY TOWEL. THERESA He cut his hand with that stupid knife! Get the car. WILL Kenny, I gotta go. There's shotgun ammo at the base of the water tower. THERESA (O.S.) WILL! WILL Sorry! I'm coming. FADE OUT:
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PILOT Written By Christopher Moynihan NETWORK 3rd DRAFT December 20, 2010 MAN UP! ACT ONE BLACKNESS. THE SOUNDS OF WAR. MEN'S VOICES. DRAMATIC MUSIC. VOICE (O.S.) Rogue719, we've got three bogeys in an SUV North of the parking structure. I need an RPG, asap! Copy? INT. "VIDEO GAME" - NIGHT (NOTE: We see the following from the TELEVISION'S P.O.V. All of our characters look directly into camera and communicate through BLUETOOTH HEADSETS like a conference call.) We see WILL KEEN (The Leader, 30's, husband, father. An EVERYMAN balancing family, work and making time for himself) sitting in front of his TV in a nicely furnished home. He holds a PLAYSTATION 3 CONTROLLER and wears a HEADSET. WILL Rogue719, do you copy? VOICE (O.S.) You like frag grenades, you little bitch? I'll give you frag grenades! WILL Kenny, focus! INTERCUT WITH -- KENNY HAYDEN (The Joker, 30's, sarcastic, immature, slight geek who doesn't know it) His apartment is barely furnished, but littered with TOYS. KENNY Sorry! This French kid keeps calling me names. Parle-vous Asshole? WILL Craig, where are you? INTERCUT WITH -- CRAIG GRIFFITH (The Poet, 30's, sensitive, heart on his sleeve, falls in love at the drop of a hat) sits in a neat/dull apartment. CRAIG These guys keep sniping me and it respawns me back at the fountain. WILL Guys! It's cooler if you respond with Roger, Copy or Over! Got it? CRAIG/KENNY Fine. /Whatever. 2. WILL (Rolls his eyes) All right. I'm gonna grab their flag and run it. KENNY Craig, how do you say "Your mother" in french? CRAIG Votre Mere. KENNY (Screaming) Votre Mere, you little baguette! WILL I got their flag! Kenny, go get the Sniper Rifle and cover me from the East side of the Munitions factory. If these guys light me up, you get in here and grab this flag. Craig, protect our base! I'm running! The MUSIC swells on the game as Will plays intently, he is CHEERED ON by Kenny and Craig. Suddenly, the guys all celebrate. Will has successfully captured the flag. WILL (CONT'D) (Yelling) Yeah! Who's the man?! KENNY You're the man! CRAIG You are definitely the man. WILL I'm the MAN!! I'M THE MAN!! WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Will! The kids are sleeping! Will immediately winces. WILL Sorry, honey. (Whispering cheer) I'm the man! SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES 3. INT. THE GAME - MOMENTS LATER The guys have calmed down. They still play, but it's casual. WILL Alright, boys. That was one victory. Let's not get cocky. KENNY How'd you get Theresa to let you play tonight? WILL I gave her no choice. INT. WILL'S BEDROOM - EARLIER Will's wife Theresa folds clothes. Will comes up and rubs her shoulders. WILL You wanna have sex tonight? INT. THE GAME - CONTINUOUS WILL Getting game time is easy. It's Nathan's birthday gift that's hard. KENNY You're still on that, huh? WILL It's important. He's turning thirteen. My son's becoming a man. I need to find a gift that says 'I'm no longer a child'. KENNY Then get him a hooker. Or a shotgun. WILL Actually, those both sound like really awesome birthday gifts. CRAIG Get him a journal. WILL A journal? CRAIG Yeah. Thirteen can be a very confusing age. (MORE) 4. CRAIG (CONT'D) A journal's a good place to put all your thoughts. You know? Hopes and dreams. Poetry. KENNY You know, another good place to put all those things is in your vagina. CRAIG Forget it. Craig is silent. WILL Craig, what's going on? Something's bothering you. You've been sulking all night. I'm watching you stab people, shoot people, blow up cars and the joy's just not there. What gives? CRAIG I don't want to talk about it. Kenny and Will wait a beat. Then: CRAIG (CONT'D) I saw Lisa tonight. Kenny rolls his eyes. Will nods a'la: "That's about right." INT. COFFEE SHOP - EARLIER THAT NIGHT Craig sits across from LISA DOWNY, his ex-girlfriend. LISA I'm getting married this Saturday. And I don't know, I just...felt like I had to see you again. You know? I was thinking about how in sophomore year you would come to my dorm room with your guitar and sing "Brown- Eyed Girl". Do you remember that? Craig nods, hopelessly in love. INT. THE GAME - CONTINUOUS CRAIG What do you think? Do you think it might have been a cry for help? 5. WILL No, Craig. She's just nervous about getting married. That's all. KENNY You haven't seen that nut in a year. CRAIG Don't call her a nut, Kenny. I love her. KENNY I'm sorry. She's a nut! Trust me. I know about nutty girls. I married one. And the best thing that ever happened to me was getting divorced. You should avoid it all together. WILL Speaking of which. There's something I have to tell you, Kenny. KENNY What? WILL Bridgette's gonna be at Nathan's birthday party on Saturday. Kenny is pissed. He picks up his CELL PHONE and dials. The HOME PHONE in Will's house rings. KENNY Tell my sister to pick up the phone! WILL (Yelling) Theresa! Pick up the phone. THERESA (O.S.) Who is it? WILL It's Kenny! THERESA Did you tell him that Bridgette's coming to the party? WILL Yes. THERESA Tell him I'm a sleep. 6. KENNY Tell her I can hear her. Craig starts sadly singing "Brown-Eyed Girl". CRAIG "Sha-la-la-la --" WILL She's not gonna pick up the phone. KENNY Fine. I'll call her cell. CRAIG I'm gonna call Lisa. Craig and Kenny both get up to make CALLS. WILL Guys! Guys!! You're supposed to be covering me! Oh, come on! We hear the sounds of Will BEING SLAUGHTERED. INT. WILL'S HOUSE - THE NEXT MORNING Will pours a CUP OF COFFEE as his wife THERESA HAYDEN KEEN (30's playful, supermom/wife) sorts through the MAIL in the kitchen. Her LAPTOP is open on the counter. Lucy eats a BOWL OF CEREAL and plays with a MERMAID DOLL. Theresa holds up a PACKAGE to Will. THERESA Can you open this for me? WILL This is a job for... Will takes out a SMALL POCKET KNIFE. Lucy GIGGLES. LUCY The Old Mohaska! Will smiles as he cuts the package open. THERESA Where is Nathan? LUCY He's trapped in the bathroom because he saw a spider. Will opens the package, it's a VIDEO GAME. 7. WILL Dead Space 2! Awesome! Thanks, Hon. THERESA (Laughing) It's not for you. It's a birthday present for Nathan. WILL Okay, see? This is a great gift. It's violent, it's scary, it's not for kids. This would have been a great gift for me to give him. THERESA So, we'll put both of our names on it. I don't care. WILL Theresa, you don't understand. I'm his father. I've got to give him something that will prepare him for manhood. THERESA You're over-thinking this. Will looks into the fridge. WILL We need more Hazelnut creamer. And next time get the non-dairy stuff. THERESA Did your father give you something special when you turned 13? Is that what this is about? WILL Are you kidding me? My father didn't even know it was my birthday! He didn't get off the couch. He didn't even put on pants. Theresa giggles. WILL (CONT'D) I've got to give Nathan something that signifies his entry into manhood. I don't expect you to understand it. You're a woman. I'm a man. THERESA Oh, please, Will. (MORE) 8. THERESA (CONT'D) Your grandfather fought in World War Two. Your father fought in Vietnam. You play Call of Duty on Playstation 3 and drink non-dairy Hazelnut creamer. WILL Are you saying I'm not a man? THERESA I'm saying that the whole "real man" thing died out a generation ago. WILL Is this about my pomegranate body wash? Theresa giggles. THERESA It's not a bad thing! It's a good thing. You're evolved. You're socialized. You're sensitive. She kisses him and sits at her COMPUTER. THERESA (CONT'D) It's why I married you. WILL Let me tell you something. You really don't know me. Because I protect you from the violent, primal beast that lurks deep within. THERESA You mean the primal beast that cries during Grey's Anatomy? WILL That's the one! Izzie was very brave battling that cancer. NATHAN KEEN (13, dorky) enters holding the CORDLESS PHONE. NATHAN Dad! Samantha just called and said she is coming to my party tomorrow. This girl is a firecracker. What do I do? WILL Try to get her in the bounce house. 9. THERESA (Appalled) Will!! WILL It wasn't a euphemism, T. I was being literal. THERESA (Embarrassed) Oh. WILL A bounce house is like a twelve year- old's bachelor pad. She'll be putty in your hands. NATHAN Got it! Theresa sees something on the COMPUTER that jars her. THERESA Nathan! Did you just defriend me on Facebook? NATHAN Well, you update your status too much and it's embarrassing. THERESA No, it's not. NATHAN "Nathan's turning thirteen. Mommy's little baby boy all growed up! Waaah!" THERESA That's not embarrassing. It's sweet. NATHAN Dad? WILL It's very embarrassing, T. Theresa crosses to her son, holds his face in her hands. THERESA Well, I'm sorry that I love you. It makes me sad that you're growing up. (Kisses him) Now, go refriend me or you're grounded. 10. Nathan sighs. LUCY Nathan, daddy is gonna get you a special birthday gift. NATHAN Really, Dad? WILL You bet. You're becoming a man. A real man! Just like your Dad. Will and Nathan do a CHOREOGRAPHED HANDSHAKE: A series of fist bumps that ends with them about to take a drag on an imaginary JOINT, but they simultaneously think better of it. NATHAN What is it, Dad? Give me a hint. WILL Nope. It's a surprise. Nobody knows what it is. I mean, literally, nobody in this room knows what it is. Kenny bursts in through the BACK DOOR. KENNY (To Theresa) You turn your phone off now? THERESA I do when you're acting like an idiot. KENNY She can't come, T. We're divorced! THERESA She's Nathan's Godmother! KENNY I'm his Godfather. That's a higher rank. THERESA Look, I realize that you guys couldn't work it out, but I've decided that for the sake of the kids you're gonna have to deal with each other like adults. She's my best friend. KENNY Well, I'm your brother. I'm putting my foot down. You hear me? (MORE) 11. KENNY (CONT'D) She is not welcome in this house. Bridgette is no longer a part of this family. FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Hello! LUCY Aunt Bridgette! Lucy gets up and runs to hug BRIDGETTE HAYDEN (30's, pretty, lots of energy) entering the kitchen. Kenny is frustrated. BRIDGETTE Hi, everybody. And Kenny. KENNY Bridge, we're gonna have to set some boundaries. Alright? I'm sorry, but you can't come to Nathan's party. BRIDGETTE Theresa invited me. KENNY Well, I'm uninviting you. BRIDGETTE It doesn't work like that. KENNY Oh, it doesn't?! Well, I'm the Godfather! How about that? Will rises and grabs Kenny's arm. WILL Okay. Time out! Kenny, come with me. KENNY This is why we're divorced. You always have to push my buttons! BRIDGETTE We're divorced because you sold my Kitchen Aid mixer so you could buy a twelve-inch Boba Fett on Ebay! KENNY It's a collector's item! Will drags Kenny out the door. Bridgette and Theresa hug. 12. BRIDGETTE Is this gonna be a problem, T? I don't want to cause trouble. THERESA Oh, yeah. Cause you never want to cause trouble. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Kenny and Will huddle together. KENNY I swear she's just doing this to get a rise out of me. WILL Well, it's working. You freak out, she wins. You gotta play it cool. Think of the coolest guy you can think of and act like him. Now, who's the coolest guy in the world? KENNY Tobey Maguire. WILL (Puzzled) Uh...Okay. Sure. Tobey Maguire. Fine. Ask yourself, "What would Tobey Maguire do?" A calmness falls over Kenny. He looks serene and confident. KENNY Right. W.W.T.M.D. Got it. INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Will and Kenny reenter the kitchen. Kenny is cool. KENNY You know what? It's totally cool. You can come to the party. A calm beat as Bridgette and Kenny LOCK EYES for a moment. BRIDGETTE Just so you know I'm bringing a date. Theresa sighs. Kenny is no longer Tobey Maguire. KENNY NO! That's it! Absolutely not! 13. BRIDGETTE I'm an adult, Kenny. KENNY Nathan! Do you want Aunt Bridgette to bring a date to your party? NATHAN Will he bring me a gift? BRIDGETTE Of course he will. NATHAN He can come. Kenny steams. Nathan grabs his knapsack and exits. NATHAN (CONT'D) This is gonna be the best party ever. KENNY Tobey Maguire wouldn't put up with this crap! Kenny storms out. Bridgette follows him and they argue. WILL (Sarcastically) Yeah, this is gonna be the best party ever. He kisses his wife and exits. END OF ACT ONE 14. ACT TWO INT. FOUNDATION INSURANCE COMPANY - WILL'S OFFICE - LATER A boring office of a major Insurance company. Will sits at his desk in his modest office talking on a HEADSET. He opens and closes his "OLD MOHASKA" as he talks. It's a habit. WILL Okay. I have two questions for you. One: how much is the Springster B- 2800? And two: do you think a trampoline is an appropriate gift for a adolescent boy's transition into manhood -- Behind Will, Kenny enters carrying a giant DUFFEL BAG with the name FLAXODRYL on the side. He wears a NAME TAG. WILL (CONT'D) (Loudly) -- Well, Mr. Conroy I think that blanket policy should just about cover all your properties as well as liquid -- (Sees that it's Kenny) Oh. It's you. Thought you were my boss. What are you doing here? KENNY Lunch. WILL It's ten forty-five. KENNY I finished my route early. WILL You're done for the day? KENNY A good drug rep doesn't linger. And normally it takes longer, but this product, Flaxodryl, isn't a big hit. WILL What does it do? KENNY Flaxodryl provides relief for bacterial infections of the skin and soft tissue, such as infected ulcers, wounds or burns, abscesses, impetigo, and boils. You want the side effects? 15. WILL Not unless you're gonna tell me about panic attacks and loose stool. Craig enters, hangdog. WILL/KENNY Blitzcraig! CRAIG Lisa didn't call me back last night. WILL I'm guessing you called her six times? CRAIG No. Only four. WILL Four. Of course. Wouldn't want to freak her out. CRAIG Now, I have a headache. Kenny digs through his bag, tosses a DRUG SAMPLE to Craig. KENNY Here. Take this. CRAIG What is it? KENNY Just take it. It'll get rid of your headache. Craig shrugs and pops the pill. KENNY (CONT'D) You might get a boner for a few hours. CRAIG What?! WILL Hey. You know what Theresa said to me today? That I'm not a real man. VOICE (O.S.) You're not! A VERY ATTRACTIVE GIRL enters. This is DANA STAATS (27, super hot, alpha female). 16. DANA You're a whole generation of pussies. KENNY Hey, Dana. I'm sorry, they don't allow skanks in this building. DANA Stick it, Kenny. (To Will) How's your morning, Will? Mine? I sold four policies before 10am. Two life, one home and a boat. I can't wait until the sales meeting when I show Ross how badly I trounced you this quarter. WILL This quarter ain't over yet, Staats. DANA Yeah, but your so preoccupied with getting your son a "special" birthday gift that you can't keep your eye on the prize. WILL How do you know that? DANA Your wife just updated her Facebook status. WILL You get my wife's status updates? DANA Most of the people in the office do. WILL Since when? DANA Since the company picnic. They all think she's a "hoot". I just read them cause it keeps me informed on what you're up to. Know your enemy. Dana's PHONE BUZZES. DANA (CONT'D) (Reading her phone) That's her. Apparently, Kenny's wife is bringing a date to Nathan's party? 17. WILL She's in a Yoga class! How the hell can she be updating her status? INT. YOGA STUDIO - CONTINUOUS Twenty people sit in front of a teacher, mid-class. Theresa is in an impossible yoga position while TYPING ON THE PHONE. INT. WILL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS DANA So. Your kid's becoming a man? Get him a hooker. KENNY How much do you charge? DANA Don't lash out at me just because your wife is banging another guy. Cheer up. You'll find another beard. Toodles, Bitches. She turns and Exits. KENNY The only beard around here is yours! (Softly) God, she's so pretty. After a beat, Will jumps up excitedly. WILL That's it! I got it! The perfect gift. I gotta run. KENNY I thought we were grabbing lunch. WILL I can't. I'll catch you guys later. Will exits. Kenny and Craig sit quietly for a beat. CRAIG Pill kicked in. KENNY Headache's gone? CRAIG No. The other. 18. KENNY Oh. I'm gonna go. CRAIG I thought we were having lunch. KENNY Yeah, I can't be alone with you...and that. Sorry. Kenny exits. Craig looks uncomfortable. EXT. WILL'S BACK YARD - THE NEXT AFTERNOON Nathan's party is underway. Kids run around and jump in and out of a BOUNCE HOUSE. Parents mingle and chat. Will and Theresa carry food from THE GRILL to the PATIO. THERESA Tell me! WILL Nope. It's a surprise. THERESA Well, give me a hint. WILL All right. It's a hooker. THERESA Will! WILL Let's just say it's the perfect gift for a boy crossing over into manhood. It's useful, it's exciting and he's gonna think it's very cool. THERESA It actually sounds like it could be a hooker. They laugh as they arrive at the PATIO where Craig stands across from Kenny and Bridgette, who is enthralled. CRAIG Then she started reminiscing about how I used to sing "Brown-Eyed Girl" in her dorm room sophomore year. BRIDGETTE Oh, my god. I love that song. 19. THERESA Craig, are you still on this? KENNY He's gonna be "on this" for a while. CRAIG She's getting married today and I think that secretly she doesn't really want to do it. That's why she needed to see me. Now, do you think I should do something? THERESA No, Craig, I told you. She's just feeling nostalgic. That's all. BRIDGETTE (Sincere) Oh, I totally disagree. She wants you to come after her. CRAIG You think? A collective, ad-libbed "No!" from Will, Kenny and Theresa. BRIDGETTE Totally! Craig, this girl is your soulmate. You can't let her get away. Once you realize someone is your soulmate, it's forever. KENNY You said I was your soulmate. BRIDGETTE No, my soulmate is gonna be here any minute and he's bringing Lemon Bars. KENNY Oh, so this guy's your soulmate now? Bridgette's PHONE BUZZES and she walks off. KENNY (CONT'D) Okay, I can't promise that this sweet little birthday party isn't gonna turn into an all out bloodbath! WILL Hey! W.W.T.M.D! Play it cool. He can't affect you! You're in charge. 20. KENNY Right. I'm in charge. WILL Besides, when this guy shows up I guarantee he's a full blown loser! Bridgette enters the yard with GRANT (30's tall, fit and very attractive.) Will sees him. WILL (CONT'D) Or he could be an underwear model. They approach the group with an armload of gifts. GRANT Folks, thanks for having me. Bridge has told me so much about all of you guys. You must be Theresa. He kisses Theresa and hands her LEMON BARS and WINE. THERESA Grant, you shouldn't have. GRANT Momma raised a gentleman. (To Will) You must be Will. Man of the house. He shakes his hand and hands him a BOX OF CIGARS. GRANT (CONT'D) Cohibas. Illegal. You didn't get them from me. Grant cracks up. He greets Craig and tousles Lucy's hair. His eyes land on Kenny and he pauses. GRANT (CONT'D) You must be Ken. There's no need for this to be awkward for us. I want you to know I respect you and everything you had with Bridge. You guys are connected. I get that. If we need to clear the air, hash out what needs hashing, I say let's do it and then grow to be close friends. He extends his hand. Kenny reluctantly shakes it. KENNY Whatever. 21. GRANT Sweet. Now, where's the birthday boy? Grant turns to Nathan and hands him a NICELY WRAPPED GIFT. NATHAN Wow, thanks. Can I open it, Mom? THERESA Okay. But just this one. Nathan tears into the gift. GRANT Thirteen is an important age. I remember Dad gave me this very gift when I hit that poignant milestone. Becoming a teenager. That cross over in to manhood. Nathan reveals the gift. His face lights up. NATHAN A shaving kit! That's awesome. GRANT (Laughing) You're gonna need it, soldier. Will's face is frozen in a HORRIFIC SMILE. It's obvious what his secret gift is. INT. CRAIG'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER Craig drives, and looks very intense. Will is shotgun, on his CELLPHONE. Kenny in the back. WILL A shaving kit. What are the odds?! THERESA (O.S.) When are you coming back? KENNY He calls her Bridge already? WILL Theresa, I have to get him something! Who gives a gift like that to a kid he's never met? KENNY A touchy-feely jerkoff. That's who! I can't believe I shook his hand! 22. INTERCUT WITH -- INT. WILL'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS The party is still going. Theresa is in the kitchen. THERESA Well, Will, people have to leave at five-thirty. I'm cutting this cake at five o'clock. You'd better be here. You've got forty-two minutes. WILL Okay. I'll be there. Theresa hangs up. Bridgette sips a beer and watches Grant as he chats up THREE MOTHERS in the kitchen. GRANT Pilates changed my life. I sleep better, I have more energy at the office. (Side of his mouth) And in the bedroom. The Ladies chuckle. GRANT (CONT'D) I'm kidding. (Side mouth) Or am I? They chuckle again. Bridgette approaches Theresa. BRIDGETTE Where's Kenny? THERESA With Will getting Nathan a gift. Why? BRIDGETTE Oh, well, Grant's gonna do some magic tricks and...Kenny likes magic, so... THERESA Oh, yeah. That's why you're looking for Kenny. You're ridiculous. BRIDGETTE What? What am I doing? 23. THERESA Bridge, I've known you since ninth grade. And even then you and my brother were playing these stupid games. Give me a break. BRIDGETTE Theresa, what Kenny and I had is over. Grant is a part of my life now. This isn't about making Kenny jealous. This is about moving on. THERESA Grant's Salsa Dancing with Tucker's mom. Bridgette looks over at Grant SALSA DANCING with a MOTHER. BRIDGETTE (Looks at her watch) Dammit, where is he? Theresa shakes her head. INT. CRAIG'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER They drive. Will is in action. WILL Okay, we'll hit Best Buy. Kenny, I want you in DVD's. Look for classics. Anything that speaks to a child's transition to manhood. Nothing with Brendan Fraser. Craig and I will look at music and gadgets. Craig PULLS THE CAR OVER and starts crying. WILL (CONT'D) Craig, what's the matter? CRAIG I can't take it. I need closure. WILL You need what? CRAIG Closure. I need closure! KENNY You need to closure vagina. 24. CRAIG I need to see if she's really doing it. WILL What are you talking about? Will looks around and sees that they are in front of a CHURCH. WILL (CONT'D) Craig, is this Lisa's church? CRAIG I just need to see her. If I see her doing it, actually getting married, then maybe it will be over for me and I'll have closure. WILL Craig, I've got thirty-seven minutes to find a gift. If I'm not back there, Theresa will kill me. CRAIG It'll take two minutes. I just need to see her. Will stares at Craig for a beat. He softens. WILL Fine. You go in there, you see her, get your...closure and we go. Craig nods, wipes his eyes and gets out of the car. After a beat he opens the trunk and removes a GUITAR. WILL (CONT'D) Jesus! He's got his guitar! Will and Kenny go to jump out of the car. The doors are locked. They struggle for a beat. KENNY Why won't they open? WILL He hit the child locks! Driver's door. They both pile out the DRIVER'S DOOR. INT. CHURCH - CONTINUOUS A packed house. A beautiful ceremony. LISA AND HER GROOM stand side by side. 25. The preacher is giving a beautiful sermon. The moment is interrupted by A GUITAR BEING STRUMMED. CRAIG (Singing Loudly) "Hey, where did we go? Days when the rains came." The entire congregation turns in their seats and GASPS when they see Craig, now walking confidently towards LISA. Will and Kenny watch as Craig belts out the song. The GROOMSMEN are a pack of SERIOUS LOOKING FRATBOYS. THE GROOM stares daggers at Craig. Lisa looks stunned. Craig beams. CRAIG (CONT'D) "Do you remember when we used to sing Sha-la-la-la..." He howls out the song. It's going well. Will and Kenny join in awkwardly. Lisa watches in amazement. EXT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER The CHURCH DOORS burst open and Will and Kenny drag Craig quickly down the steps as the real "Brown-Eyed Girl" plays. They race towards the car. A moment later the GROOMSMEN burst through the door and chase them. END OF ACT TWO 26. ACT THREE INT. CRAIG'S CAR - MOMENTS LATER Will drives. Craig cries, shotgun. Kenny in the back. WILL That happened! That actually just happened...for real! You actually crashed that wedding with a guitar! I'm in shock right now. Sweet lord, what the hell were you thinking?! CRAIG Bridgette said she wanted me to stop it. WILL You listen to Bridgette? I'll remind you this is a woman who married Kenny! KENNY (Singing to himself) "Sha-la-la-la --" WILL Kenny. You mind? KENNY Sorry. It's a catchy song. CRAIG I love her so much. WILL Dammit, Craig, man up! You know what? Theresa's right. We're not men anymore. Our fathers were men. KENNY I'm a man. WILL Oh, yeah? Then why is your ex-wife parading another man in front of you and you're doing nothing about it? KENNY You told me to be Tobey Maguire! WILL I'm just saying that none of our fathers would do any of this. (MORE) 27. WILL (CONT'D) Singing in churches and searching for the special birthday gifts! You know why I can't find a gift for my son? Cause I don't know what it is to be a man anymore! They were men. Real men! Not the over-evolved, half-assed generation of panty waists that we've become! We should be storming beaches, drinking whiskey and killing tigers. KENNY Tigers? WILL I'm sick of it! I'm done with it! It's time to man up! MAN UP! A long beat of silence as Will stews. He looks at his watch. WILL (CONT'D) (Softly) Theresa's gonna kill me. INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Theresa puts candles on a CAKE. Will enters quickly. WILL I'm sorry. I know. THERESA (Smiling) Well, you better have a good excuse. WILL You want a good excuse? How 'bout this? Craig crashed Lisa's wedding and started singing "Brown-Eyed Girl" at the top of his lungs. THERESA Shut up! He did not. WILL Oh, he did! Nathan and SAMANTHA (13, cute) run up with a BASEBALL HAT. NATHAN Dad, Samantha needs this tag cut off her hat. Use the Old Mohaska! (To Samantha) That's my Dad's knife. 28. Will instinctively takes out his KNIFE and cuts the tag. SAMANTHA Thanks, Mr. Keen. She runs off. NATHAN She wants me to take a picture of her in her hat. I told her the lighting was best in the bounce house. Any last minute advice? WILL Yup. Bring hand sanitizer with you into the bounce house. Those rentals are like a bacteria circus. He nods and they do their SIGNATURE HANDSHAKE. Nathan runs off. Will shakes his head. WILL (CONT'D) What chance does he have of becoming a real man when his father's only advice for trying to kiss a girl is 'bring hand sanitizer'? THERESA (Laughing) He sang Brown-Eyed-Girl? EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Kenny nurses a beer and watches Grant PLAYING BASKETBALL with a group of kids. Bridgette sidles up. BRIDGETTE You know, he played in college. KENNY Yeah, well, I played in High School! You forget? They used to call me Tempo cause of my speed. BRIDGETTE They called you Tempo cause you played bass drum in the marching band. Kenny HANDS HER HIS BEER and briskly steps onto the court. KENNY Grant! Little "One on One"? GRANT Oh, I love a friendly pick-up game. 29. The kids clear the court as Kenny and Grant square off. They both simultaneously REMOVE THEIR SHIRTS. Grant is incredibly chiseled. Kenny, not so much. He immediately puts his shirt back on. KENNY We'll go shirts and skins. That way there's no confusion about whose on what team. A gaggle of Moms notice Grant's torso and gather around. They check the ball. Kenny dribbles and stares Grant down. KENNY (CONT'D) It's Go time. He brings the ball into play. Grant immediately steals it and does an EFFORTLESS LAY UP. GRANT Two-zip! We playing to twenty-one? Kenny sighs. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. INT. WILL'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Theresa is laughing hysterically. WILL T, it really wasn't funny. Craig's laying on the couch right now, crying. THERESA Oh, honey. Bless his heart. Did you find a gift for Nathan? WILL No. This day couldn't get any worse. They are interrupted by someone blasting a CAR HORN. EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Grant and Kenny are mid-game. The crowd cheers as Grant SLAMS the basketball and knocks Kenny to the ground. GRANT Game point! Kenny is wrecked, winded, in agony. The CAR HORN continues to blast. Kenny looks up. His eyes go wide. 30. EXT. WILL'S FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS A BIG BLACK SUV sits in front of the house. THE GROOMSMEN from Lisa's wedding, now drunk, stand on the lawn. GROOM Bring out the Brown-Eyed Girl! He smashes a BEER BOTTLE on the sidewalk. INT. WILL'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Will and Kenny enter as Craig RISES OFF THE COUCH. They cross to the window and pull aside the curtain. KENNY This shit just got real. WILL All right, listen up. He rolls up his sleeves as OUR BOYS...make that MEN, huddle up by the front door. The ENTIRE BIRTHDAY PARTY gathers in the living room, wondering what's going on. THERESA Will, what's happening? WILL Not now, Honey. (To the boys) We got three on the grass, two in the SUV. Now, they're drunk so they'll fight sloppy, but they'll also fight hard. Craig stay on the porch and keep an eye on the SUV. Kenny, go through the garage, get Nathan's hockey stick, and cover my flank halfway down the driveway. VOICE (O.S.) What do I do, Will? We reveal GRANT, still shirtless, in the huddle. KENNY No! No! He's not on this team. GRANT Kenny, we must put aside our differences for the greater good. KENNY Will! 31. WILL Just stay on the porch with Craig. GRANT Don't worry. I'll do something cool. WILL No. Grant, don't do anything. Will peeks through the WINDOW. WILL (CONT'D) This is it. Craig, you good? Craig nods. WILL (CONT'D) Kenny? KENNY I'm Tobey Fucking Maguire. EXT. WILL'S FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS Will exits the house followed by Craig and Grant. The ENTIRE BIRTHDAY party is pressed against every window in the house. The women clutch children to their breast. Will steps out onto the grass. Craig and Grant stay on the porch. A tense beat of silence passes and you can actually HEAR THE WIND. A NEWSPAPER blows between Will and the Groom. WILL What's up? GROOM (Pointing at Craig) We want him. Will looks back at Craig, then back to the Groom. WILL You can't have him. Will glances to his right, looking for Kenny. INT. GARAGE - CONTINUOUS In the clutter, Kenny scrambles to find Nathan's HOCKEY STICK. KENNY Where is it? This place is a mess. EXT. WILL'S FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS The scene is as we left it. 32. WILL You guys don't want to do this. You're drunk. You're angry. You should go home and sleep it off. Kenny emerges from the garage and walks down the DRIVEWAY. His face looks stone cold, but he carries a PINK POGO STICK with TASSELS on the handlebars. Will glances over and does a small DOUBLE TAKE. Kenny shrugs: "Best I could do." GROOM He ruined my wedding! And we're gonna kick his ass. WILL I can't let you do that. The Groom looks to his MEN. Signals them. They all start moving towards Craig on the porch. Will steps up, Kenny moves in from the DRIVEWAY. It's on. The tension is cut by a BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM. All parties turn to see it's source: Grant, still shirtless, barrels off the porch in a MAD RAGE. GRANT Barracuda! He whips past Will and TACKLES the Groom. The GROOMSMEN descend on him in a savage HOG PILE. Will and Kenny share a look. "Should we help him out?" INT. WILL'S HOUSE - LATER The party is over. The guests have gone home. Bridgette and Theresa FINISH UP THE DISHES as Will, Kenny and Craig sit around the kitchen table drinking BOTTLED BEER. WILL Dude, that was intense! KENNY Did you see me? I was about to go Jedi with that pogo stick! CRAIG Yeah, you were ready. That was sweet. WILL You know who you looked like? Conan the Barbarian. Like a short pale Conan the Barbarian. KENNY (Pleased) Thank you, Will. 33. They all CLINK their beers. Bridgette turns. BRIDGETTE I'll remind you guys that Grant is the only person who actually got into a fight tonight. KENNY No! Grant's the only person who choked tonight. He lost his cool. WILL Yeah, we stayed the course. BRIDGETTE Well, Grant's the only one who was arrested when the cops showed up because he was the only one at the bottom of that pile of groomsmen. Now, you're all slapping each other on the back and drinking a beer like you had anything to do with it! THERESA Will's drinking a diet root beer. WILL I can't have caffeine this late. KENNY I won't let you rain on this, Bridge. We were rock steady! Who the hell screams Barracuda in a fight? Will looks into the living room. Nathan is sitting on the floor with ALL HIS GIFTS. Will rises and approaches him. WILL Did you have a good birthday? NATHAN It was the best day of my life. The party, the fight. Man, when you went out there I was so scared, but you weren't. You're so tough. And guess what? I kissed Samantha in the Bounce house. Will smiles. WILL That's great. (Beat) Did you use the hand saniti- 34. NATHAN Yeah, I did. WILL Okay, good. Listen, about your birthday gift. I wanted to get you something special -- NATHAN Yeah, Mom gave it to me. I love it. Nathan holds up the video game, "DEAD SPACE 2". NATHAN (CONT'D) I know it's violent and scary, but I promise I won't get nightmares. I think I'm old enough for it now. Thanks so much, Dad. Nathan hugs Will who looks up to find Theresa watching from the stairs with a HUGE SMILE on her face. Will could cry. Nathan starts gnawing on PLASTIC on the game. Will takes out the "OLD MOHASKA" and opens it. An idea comes to him. WILL I think you're old enough for something else, too. He hands Nathan his KNIFE. Nathan's eyes go wide. NATHAN Are you serious? The Old Mohaska? WILL Yeah. Every man needs one. Nathan is beside himself. NATHAN Thanks, Dad. I love you. WILL Happy Birthday, Nate. Will kisses him and rises. He crosses to Theresa and sits beside her. Theresa types on her phone. WILL (CONT'D) What are you doing? THERESA Updating my status. 35. WILL Telling people that your husband did pretty good today, huh? THERESA No. I'm telling people that my husband thinks it's a good idea to give a thirteen year-old boy a knife. WILL Theresa, he'll be fine. Theresa shakes her head and exits. WILL (CONT'D) I should'a just gotten him a hooker. INT. "VIDEO GAME" - LATER We are back in the game. Our guys, IN THEIR RESPECTIVE HOMES, play as they did in the opening, LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA. WILL What happened when you took her home? KENNY What else happens when two consenting adults find themselves alone? WILL Knowing you two I'd say you started arguing and then you stormed out. KENNY No, William, we engaged in sexual intercourse. And for the record, sex when you're divorced is so much hotter than when you're married. WILL If it was so great than why aren't you sleeping there? KENNY Because afterwards we started arguing and I stormed out. WILL That's about right. CRAIG I just thought of something. If those guys showed up right after we did, then the actual wedding must not have happened. 36. WILL Yeah. And? CRAIG (Excited) Well, then I broke up the wedding! WILL Craig, leave it alone. CRAIG I've got to call her! Craig JUMPS UP and exits. WILL Craig! Craig! Oh, Geez. KENNY So, Nathan liked his gift, huh? WILL He loved it. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. My dad actually gave me that Old Mohaska. It wasn't a birthday gift. Some kid kept tripping me on the soccer field and my dad told me to stab him if he ever did it again. I just started using it to open letters and stuff. Yeah, it was the perfect gift. THERESA (O.S.) Will! WILL What's the matter? Theresa enters with Nathan, his hand in A BLOODY TOWEL. THERESA He cut his hand with that stupid knife! Get the car. WILL Kenny, I gotta go. There's shotgun ammo at the base of the water tower. THERESA (O.S.) WILL! WILL Sorry! I'm coming. FADE OUT: